Give Thanks

   Thanksgiving is here and for many reasons this is one of my favorite holidays. Aside from gathering with family we rarely get to see and indulging in delicious meals and treats, I am encouraged (more so than other days of the year) to really look at my life and the lives of my family members and give thanks for the many blessings that have been so graciously bestowed on us. In lieu of sharing these blessings on Facebook, I am going to post my list right here on my blog. I pray your holiday is full of delicious food, happy family gatherings, and many blessings now and to come.
 
    1.) I am thankful for my salvation and the grace that the Lord of all creation wraps me in everyday of my life. (Just a little reminder what the small and beautiful little word means - Grace - the freely given, unmerited favor and love of God)

    2.) I am thankful for music and the way He uses it to speak to me. I am also thankful that we were given voices to sing that we might share our thoughts, dreams, and stories through music.

    3.) I am thankful for the country we live in. I am sometimes annoyed and frustrated with the political antics of our government and often disagree with the decisions that are made for "the better good." But, we live in a country unlike any other where we can freely live, worship, work, dream, and love.

    4.) I am thankful for my husband, Chad, and the joy he brings to my life every single day. He is my best friend and loves the very best of me AND the very worst. He is one of the best men I know and I am truly grateful that I am able to share my life with him. Plus, he's pretty hot, if I say so myself!

    5.) I am thankful for my parents and Chad's parents and the love they shower on Chad and me everyday. Our siblings, grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins are all continuous blessings for us and they help make our lives more joyful with their support, love, and friendship.

    6.) I am thankful for our home and the safe shelter it provides Chad and me through all the seasons of the year. Many people in our world do not have the blessing of a place to call home and I feel very grateful that we have a warm, safe place to lay our heads and make memories.

    7.) I am thankful for our dependable vehicles that get us around town safely and swiftly, if necessary.

    8.) I am thankful for my dishwasher, washing machine, and clothes dryer. I wouldn't have a clue how to use a washboard with a bar of lye soap!

    9.) I am thankful for our cats, Baxter and Bella, and our dog, Thatcher. They bring us snuggles, laughs, smiles, and joy everyday.

    10.) I am thankful for God's beautiful creation and for my sight and hearing so I might enjoy it every season of the year. From the songs of little birds to the waves of the ocean, the sounds of the world are amazing! The colors of the sunsets to the autumn leaves - the rainbows of color are beautiful.

    11.) I am thankful for food and all the varieties of food. I am thankful that I, nor my family, has ever had to endure hunger.

    12.) I am thankful for the generations in my family that have gone before me and the path they laid for the success and happiness of me and my family today.

    13.) I am thankful that we were given creative spirits and that we have eyes to enjoy the creations and artistic abilities of others.

    14.) I am thankful for our veterans and the security they provide for our country. I am thankful for the families that sacrifice time with their family member so they can fight for our freedoms.

    15.) I am thankful for my health and the health of my family.

    16.) I am thankful for clean, running water, and that I have never experienced being without water.

    17.) I am thankful for our doctors, nurses, and health professionals that provide the best medical care in the world. I am thankful that we have procedures, options, and choices in this country to maintain or help our health.

    18.) I am thankful for books and the opportunity we have to learn and study whatever field we so choose. I am thankful that we are capable of gaining knowledge and that this journey is never-ending.

    19.) I am thankful for the gift of friendship and the many friends that Chad and I have been blessed with. My friendships are so special and important to me. I don't know what I would do without my friends.

    20.) I am thankful that each new day is an opportunity to right the wrongs in my life and to live better than I did the day before. Each day is a new start, with endless possibilities. This is the day the Lord has made. I will rejoice and be glad in it.

Happy Thanksgiving, Friends! Love to you and yours!

The Results

On Saturday, November 5th, Chad and I got up early - real early. We got ready for the day and Chad left our house around 6:45 to drop off "his donation" to the procedure we had scheduled for 8AM. He returned at about 7:15. I hopped in the car with him and we headed to Starbuck's to get some hot drinks and breakfast before our appointment. We purchased the new Coldplay album at the counter for ten bucks, with our breakfast, and talked about Coldplay and their new songs as we ate. We talked about the death of Bob Barry, Sr. and what we remembered about his life. We laughed about the funny things that happened to us that week and I was suddenly reminded of how fun our relationship is. It's so easy to talk to Chad - to laugh and cry. Our day was off to a great start and only good things were in store. I was sure of it. If I were to plan it myself, this would be a great day to conceive our baby!
We arrived at the clinic a bit before 8AM and there were several couples waiting along with us. The TV was on and the news that morning was about the earthquake that happened during the early morning hours. It woke me out of a sound sleep, so I started looking up information and safety tips about earthquakes on my iPhone when the nurse called my name. Chad and I rose from our chairs and entered the hallway. The nurse led us to the exam room and after she left us alone, I assumed my half-naked position on the exam table - of course with a white sheet wrapped around my waist. Chad and I continued to laugh and talk about things I can't quite remember now. I just know we were laughing and he did a good job of keeping my mind off the procedure that was about to happen. It's always a bit nerve-racking no matter how many times we have it done.
The doctor entered, friendly as ever (and 7 months pregnant), and the nurse followed. They asked that I lie back on the table and put my heels in the stirrups. The nurse pressed an ultrasound wand on my lower belly and I had to concentrate not to urinate on the doctor. (For the procedure, they ask that I have a full bladder so the uterus is pushed up farther and is more visible on the ultrasound. They use the ultrasound to position the catheter that empties the sperm into my uterus). The doctor informed us that there would be 14 million sperm injected into my uterus that day and that everything on my end looked good. We watched on the ultrasound monitor as the 14 million were emptied into my uterus. Then, I lied there for fifteen minutes praying that I would be pregnant.
After we left the clinic that day, Chad dropped me off at work. I would work from 9 to 1 that day and it wasn't until about 11:30 that I started having horrible cramps. I had never experienced cramps after an IUI, so I was hopeful that maybe this time was different - this time I would be pregnant.
When it came time to take a pregnancy test, I was excited and apprehensive. I was scared what I would feel if it were negative, but so eager to find out if I was pregnant and wanting to feel that particular joy so much!
The doctor told me to take a test on Sunday, the 20th. I couldn't wait and took a test on Friday the 18th. It was negative.
I was home alone that day and was scheduled to go into work at 2PM. So, I took my time in the shower and cried and cried, prayed and prayed - out loud. This is all I know to do when I am overcome with such disappointment and sadness. However, this time, the tears didn't last too long and I felt better once I sensed that I was being heard. I know it sounds weird, but I truly felt as if He was listening to me and I felt comfort - a reassurance.
I went ahead and took another test on Sunday, the 20th, just to make real sure and it was negative. I was incorrect when I stated in my last post that that round of Clomid with IUI would be my last one. Actually, I am eligible for one final round of Clomid with IUI, so that's what we are going to do. My day one was yesterday, so I will start more Clomid on Saturday and it will all begin again. We have a consultation appointment with our doctor the first week of January should this upcoming IUI be a failure.
I am now really trying to search myself and am seeking His guidance for our next step should we need to venture into another type of treatment. I am not sure where the funding will come from as we are paying for my treatments out of pocket. Please keep us in your thoughts and prayers as we endure another round of Clomid with IUI and try to figure out what He would have us do next should that be the outcome.

The Situation - and I'm not talking about Jersey Shore!

I felt like it may be time to give everyone an update on the current situation. So, we're back in the present, People. No more historical posts for awhile . . . And forgive me if at any point in this post I divulge too much information about my body and what is going on inside it. Please feel free to stop reading at any time. :)
August 20, I had an IUI (intrauterine insemination) and then had a negative pregnancy test during the last lingering days of August (which I discuss in the post "September"). Because I was fed up with negative pregnancy tests, and needed a break, I took all of September off from fertility treatments and thoughts of conceiving in order to enjoy my birthday, friends' birthdays, and the freedom from the annoying side effects of the medication I have to take in order to ovulate.
But, when there was no sign of my period at the end of September, I started taking home ovulation tests to see if/when I would ovulate. It was the weekend of October 8 when the little pink line on the pee stick was just as bold as the test line, which meant I would ovulate within the next 24/48 hours. So, this was good news - the fact that my body was ovulating on its own, but it wasn't too great that it decided to do it around day 33 of my cycle. I'm telling you my body is weird! Then, to top it off, trying to be romantic with a guy who is reporting to the hospital at 5 AM every morning and studying at home from 6PM to whenever he falls asleep is nearly impossible. Poor guy could barely keep his eyes open long enough to finish dinner and I'm not about to conceive our baby out of a forced situation. There's no fun in that! So, I made peace with the fact that taking advantage of this opportunity would be a major failure this go around. And, to be honest, I had my doubts that I would even ovulate, so I wasn't really too upset about missing out on our chances of trying until a blood test at the clinic on October 10 confirmed that I had indeed ovulated! So, now it was a waiting game for my cycle to begin.
It arrived on October 21st. On October 24th, I called the clinic to inform them of my day 1. They asked if I was ready to proceed with another round of treatment. I said, "Yep!" And, I was actually excited this time to get the ball rolling again. The little thing perched in my soul was beginning to flutter its wings and the hope inside me daily chants, "This could be the one that works! Maybe it will work this time!" And, I tell you what, that chant is addicting and very difficult to ignore.
So, I started the first dose of Clomid on Tuesday, October 25th, which was my day 5. I took 50 mg for five consecutive days - as is the normal procedure for me - and finished up on October 29th. I suffered through a few nights of not being able to sleep and then once I did, would be awakened by the sweat beads swelling on my forehead and all over my body. Night sweats are no fun, not to mention the hot flashes I would get at random times throughout those five days while at work! I am always happy to finish my last dose on the fifth day because it usually means I am finished with the night sweats and hot flashes! Amen!
I am in utter disbelief that November is already here, but bring it on! I'm loving the weather and the colors on the trees. This month has brought with it the promise of what might be and I am very hopeful and eager to see what this cycle of treatment will bring our way!
This morning, Chad and I woke up early and went to the clinic for my blood draw and vaginal ultrasound. The ultrasound revealed two follicles that will ovulate and a uterine lining that is thick and healthy. This is the first time this year that I have had two follicles ready to ovulate. Last year, I almost always had two or three at a time and the fact that I was responding differently to the  medication this year was worrisome for me. So, even though the scientific statistics wont tell you the chances of conception are increased with two eggs being released, I like to think our chances are, indeed, increased. Two is always better than one, right?!
So, this evening at nine o'clock (the exact time the doctor instructed me to take my HcG shot - Timing is Everything, remember?!), if you hear a woman screaming at the top of her lungs, just know that it is I who is screaming because the thought of  a needle going into my lower abdominal area is almost too much for me to bear! But, just a secret between you and me - I am training Chad for his next rotation, which is Pediatrics, when he will give shots to wee tots that will be screaming just as loud and then crying afterward just as much as I will be tonight. I mean, if he can handle me, he can surely handle those little sweeties next week! :) No, but really, I am terrified every time. You'd think I'd be used to it by now, but sadly, it feels like a new fear every time.
The purpose of the HcG shot is to stimulate the follicles to release their eggs - the two eggs that are mature! So, the shot will make me ovulate at the perfect time so the IUI (intrauterine insemination) that will be performed on Saturday morning will take place at the optimal moment for conception. The chances are good, People, and I can't help but think this is it! But, I feel this way every time and I can't help myself! (Actually, I think the actual percentage of chance that I will get pregnant is 11%!)
But, this is the last round of treatment I can undergo with Clomid. I had six rounds last year and this is the fifth this year. With extended use, which is considered six rounds a year, my chances of ovarian cancer go up dramatically - and my chances are already higher than most women because I have PCOS (Polycystic ovarian syndrome). So, if this treatment doesn't work, we will be exploring new treatments, which all include needles - lots of needles with multiple shots at multiple times everyday! My worst nightmare!

So, keep us in your prayers and pray that Saturday will yield success - a healthy pregnancy! Thank you!
I also wanted to thank all of you for reading the blog. It really is encouraging to me that you care enough to take time out of your day to share in our journey. I sincerely appreciate your kind, thoughtful comments. Every time I get a comment on one of my posts, it truly makes my day. I hope my posts bless your days as much as your comments bless mine. This journey would be a lot more dark and treacherous without you! Thank you!

To This Day

This month, our baby would have been about six months old. There isn't a day that has passed since I miscarried, that I have not thought about our baby and the life that might have been. Sometimes I cry because it stills hurts, but most of the time, I attempt to understand and find peace with what happened.
Even though I was only pregnant for a couple weeks and was only aware that I was pregnant for about four days, it was no less a miracle for Chad and me than if I had carried full term. The fact that we conceived - and without help or fertility treatments, no less - proved to us that having a baby of our own was a real possibility for us. Now, that was something to celebrate and to hope for!
A few months after the miscarriage, Chad and I were talking about our short pregnancy/miscarriage experience and what we had learned and taken away from it. He said that he thought it was His way of telling us that it is possible, but the time wasn't right - to hang on and keep trying. I have remembered that. And, even though this process has not been easy and often takes my emotions on a roller coaster, our experiences each day, fertility related or not, create who we are and give us a choice, everyday, on how we are going to think about those experiences and use them in our lives - for better or worse.
Everyday, I choose, and do my best, to use our experience for good and praise the One that gave us that blessing - even if it was only for a moment. I am more aware of the blessing that is life and that each day we are given is special and should be enjoyed and cherished. We are not promised tomorrow, yet we are promised love, peace, and hope through the One that loves us and is with us. That is something to live for and share with everyone.
To this day, our experience, even though it was painful, has brought more hope to my life than I ever had before and that hope will carry me forward to the day when we shall meet our baby. And, I have hope that one day a long time from now, we will meet the baby we lost and it will be a day of great joy!

If Only For A Moment

On Monday, August 16, 2010, we sat silently, like stone statues, in our assigned seats at the Civic Center Music Hall. The music seemed to be playing in the background while we sat staring straight ahead through the dense smoke-filled air. We were lost in our own separate thoughts. I had gone mad and was trying desperately not to jump up and run screaming from the building while tearing my clothes and gnashing my teeth. Every few moments, tears would drain from my eyes, uninvited, and every minute I would fight to keep more from falling - trying with all my might to keep from looking next to me at my husband, fearing just the sight of him would soften my spirit just enough to usher me into hysterics.
My heart was breaking into little pieces - never to be reassembled as it had been before. I was forever changed and my soul was screaming out to God in anger, pain, confusion, and disappointment - pleading for an answer to why this was happening after everything we had endured the previous six months. I needed the peace that passes all understanding to invade my body and drench my spirit, but it would not come so soon.
How was I to know a month earlier, that the tickets I was purchasing would be our admission to a concert scheduled on the same day we found out the baby that was growing inside me had died? And, a few days from this moment, I would miscarry and excrete the flesh of the baby that we would never meet in this life.
I had always wanted to see Norah Jones live in concert since a lot of her early hits held sentimental meaning in our relationship. But, the news I received earlier that day latched a gray cloud to my heart and the only thing I could do was try to keep from crying.
My doctor called me that afternoon, when I was at work, and informed me that he had received the test results from the blood draw I had done that morning. He apologized and said that I was no longer pregnant and my hormone levels proved that the baby had died and I would start my period within the week. He went in to why he thought this had happened and so on, but I was too busy crying, so hysterically that I wasn't breathing. I didn't hear anything he was saying and he didn't even know I was crying until he asked if I was alright. I whimpered a "yea." He apologized again and asked that I call the clinic on the day I started bleeding. Immediately, I emailed my supervisor and told him what had happened and that I couldn't stay at work another minute. I was about to shut down my computer when he replied and said he was sorry and that he would see me in the morning.
 I ran from the building in tears and drove home crying and yelling as loud as my lungs would sustain me. God surely could hear me. And, as I had mentioned in the earlier post, Timing Is Everything, the song "Blessings" began to play on the radio. The lyrics immediately calmed my spirit and eased my pain.
I called Chad as soon as I got home and told him what happened and that I needed him to come home. He arrived twenty minutes later and he asked about the details and what the doctor said. I was a sloppy, swollen mess and he sat in silence with no outward emotion. We discussed whether or not to go to the concert. After much deliberation, we decided to go with the possibility that it may distract us from this horrible news. After we sat on the couch in silence, then crying, then silence and over again, for almost an hour, we decided to get changed and head out to grab a quick dinner before we went to the concert.
We stopped at McDonald's, which we never even think to eat there, but for some reason, it seemed to fit our mood. After I griped out the manager about the fountain drink machine pouring out more carbonated water than Coke syrup, we sat down and I cried over my chicken McNuggets while muttering to myself how things never turn out the way the should and asking why nothing can go right for me - not even a decent fountain drink at McDonald's! Poor guy - it wasn't his fault my baby had died, but he certainly heard my anger that evening.
Once we finished eating, we headed to the Civic Center Music Hall and found our seats. Looking back on that night, it was as if we were ghosts among the living. I have never felt that way in my whole life before that moment, but the closest I can come to describing it was that I felt totally numb and my thoughts were dwelling on things that were far away from our location.
Unfortunately, there are only a few things I remember about the concert. I remember the way Norah looked and how I was a bit disappointed that she had chopped off her hair. I recall thinking how talented she was and how much I liked her music, which she played with exceptional passion and ease. I cannot remember which songs they were, but there were several she performed that directly spoke to me that night and caused more tears to fall than I had prepared for. I also remember giving in and looking next to me, at my husband, who sat so still for so long, I had wondered if he was still there. He was, and I could see his face reflecting the blue lights from the stage and seeing the glistening pool of tears that had gathered at the base of his eyes - trying with the same might I was attempting to muster in order to keep those tears from winning. Afterall, we were in public, surrounded by people whistling, singing-along with the music, and clapping. We just didn't fit in  - we were lost.

We Were On A Break

So, it's been several weeks since my last post. The hussle and bussle of life has got the best of me lately. In order to get everyone caught up, the last post was about our experiences in 2010 and the treatments I underwent. On July 22, 2010, I started my cycle and grieved yet another unsuccessful treatment. We decided to take a break from treatment and try to unwind and de-stress. That should catch everyone up to the following post that I am basically going to copy from the journal I started when we received our good news. My plan was to document every experience from the positive test to the birth and beyond . . . .

Thursday, August 12, 2010
Day 33 of menstrual cycle - I drove home from work for lunch hour as I usually did everyday. I talked Chad into going to Target with me to pick up a couple things. My friend's baby shower was coming up, so I purchased a few boardbooks about belly buttons, a hungry caterpillar, and love. We also purchased a few boxes of our favorite organic mac and cheese and a pregnancy test. There was a feeling inside me that started that Sunday before - a feeling that I just might be pregnant. I purposely waited several days to see if I would start my cycle, but when it never came, my excitement began to grow. Of course, I had not been on any medication or received any treatments since June, so it was also very possible that my body didn't ovulate and I wouldn't have a normal period. But, I bought the test anyway.
As soon as we got home, I took the test, closed the toilet lid, and sat there eating my lunch in anticipation. I only had ten more minutes before I had to report back to work. After what seemed like forever, the word, 'Pregnant' popped up on the digital screen and I almost choked on my food. I grabbed the test and the rest of my food and ran in to the living room, still chewing my last bite. Chad was sitting on the couch, eating his lunch and watching Friends. He looked at me with wide eyes as I ran and stood directly in front of him, waving the test. "No way," he said. And, I said, "Read it!" He sat up and put his food down as he looked at the test. A smirk crawled across his face and I started to cry. There were so many emotions surging through my body at this point that I began to lose my breath. After six months of treatment and negative pregnancy tests, it was very difficult for us to actually believe that we did this when we were on a break from treatment - without treatment - on our own. How amazing is that?!
Chad told me to call the clinic, so I did and they asked that I come in as soon as I could for a blood draw. I called my supervisor and told him that something had come up and I needed to stop by my doctor's office before returning to work. He said it was fine, and Chad and I were off to the clinic. I could barely contain myself. My heart was pounding out of my chest and I prayed the whole way there that the baby would be healthy and I would be a healthy and safe place for the little one to grow. I was so scared and felt an overwhelming amount of responsibility for the wee cluster of cells that was growing in my body - a baby. A baby was growing in my belly!
Once we arrived at the clinic, all the nurses greeted us with smiles and hugs. One of the nurses walked us to an exam room and drew a vial of blood. "I will sweet talk the lab so maybe they will give us your results today. I will call you either this afternoon or tomorrow morning." She also scheduled me to come back in on Monday morning before work so they could take another blood draw to check my levels to ensure everything was normal. I thanked the nurse and we left. Chad dropped me off at work and I could barely stay at my desk. I wanted to tell everyone I saw the great news. Around 4:00 pm that afternoon, the nurse called and said that I was, indeed, pregnant, but that my progesterone levels were a bit lower than they like to see. She said she would call in a prescription for Prometrium that I would need to start taking that night, twice a day, until they asked me to stop. I could not wait to tell Chad the great news and even though he asked that I tell him in person, I couldn't keep it in a minute longer. I called him and told him we were for sure pregnant, but that I needed to pick up a prescription for my progesterone levels. He was so excited and asked if he could call his family and tell them, but I had a better idea to break the surprising news!
After eating dinner at Chad's favorite sushi place (I had veggie sushi), we went by Wal-Mart and purchased some Baby Ruth candy bars and a few bags of Sugar Babies. Our plan was to make goody bags for our parents and see if they could catch the hint. If for some reason, they didn't get it, we purchased two baby bibs that said, "I love Grandma" for my mom and Carol, Chad's mom. Chad drove to my parent's house and I assembled the goody bags on the way. We couldn't wait to get there . . .
 My mom is a school teacher and that day was her first day of class, so when we arrived, I gave her the goody bag and passed one to my dad. I told her it was a little treat to reward her for her first day of class, which was usually always tiring for her. They accepted their goody bags and looked inside. Chad and I just sat there, waiting for them to figure it out. My dad sat there with the Sugar Babies in one hand and the Baby Ruth in the other, looked at me and said, "Really? Is this what I think it is? Are you?" And, my mom said, "What are you talking about?" and looked over at Chad and me. I looked at her and said, "Yes! I am pregnant!" My dad shot out of his chair and started dancing and howling, laughing, and thanking God. My mom stood up in utter disbelief and asked it if was really true. "Yes," I said. "I'm pregnant!" and tears rolled down my cheeks as I reached to hug her. My brother sat across the room and cried. He said this was the best news he had heard in a very long time. Then, it was picture time . . .  (Just a note: The snow globe you will see my mom holding in the picture is something she bought a couple years before. It has a baby angel in the globe and on the base of the globe, it says, "Wish." She said it was her lucky snow globe and every time she shook it up, she wished for a grandbaby. It seemed this little snow globe was no joke after all!)

After the photo shoot, we were off to Chad's parent's house. When we arrived, Chad's dad, Jerry, wasn't there yet, so we waited and chatted about the beginning of Chad's second year of medical school. As soon as Chad asked, "Where is Jerry?" He walked in the door and I pulled the goody bags out of my oversized purse. We distributed them - one to Jerry, one to Carol, one to Taylor (Chad's little sister) and waited for them to "solve the puzzle." They figured out the puzzle a lot faster than my parents did and Taylor started jumping up and down. Everyone hugged us and the phone calls started . . . . . the texts and the pictures. The news was spreading like wildfire. Jerry called Chad's brother, Nick, and asked him to stop by because Chad had something to tell him. After about ten minutes, Nick was there and pulled a card out of his pocket that said, "I'm going to be an uncle." "Is this right?" he asked Chad. "Yes, how did you know?" Chad said. "Well, I've never got a call from my dad before asking me to stop by because you had something to tell me. There was only one thing it could be."

A few minutes after the photos were taken, my parents knocked on the door. They had been waiting around the corner in their neighborhood until we broke the news to Chad's family. They joined in on the celebration and talk among the grandparents soon shifted to what they wanted the baby to call them - choices, choices!
One thing that stands out to Chad and me when we remember that day is how very deeply joyful everyone in our family was. This blessing was an answer to many prayers and the fact that we conceived when we "were on a break" from treatment was even more special to us. We had accomplished what we were told would probably never happen. All things are possible through Christ!

Keep in mind and to help you from being confused - this is my story from last year, during the late summer of 2010. :)

The Attempts of 2010

    2010 was a big year for us in our efforts of trying to conceive. 2010 brought our first glimpses into the world of infertility and the experiences ranged from worry, fear, anticipation, stress, surprise, joy, and great mourning - then these feelings started all over again.

    I had an initial consult and exam appointment with my doctor in August of 2009. He confirmed my PCOS diagnosis, but was encouraging and told me that he saw no reason why I wouldn't be able to conceive and carry a healthy baby full term. I believed him and trusted him immediately. A close friend of mine became pregnant with this doctor's help and she recommended that I begin our journey by seeing him. I was glad I took her advice! As I have mentioned before, the doctors and staff at that clinic have been wonderful - in all aspects. After my appointment that day, he told me that when I was ready to begin treatment, to call the clinic and we would get started. I wasn't quite ready to take that leap, so a few months passed.

    Then, after a lot of discussion with Chad and thinking about "actively trying" for a baby, I called the clinic in January of 2010 and told the receptionist I was ready to begin treatment. That day was the beginning. Chad and I went into this chapter of our lives with the mindset of: "We'll just let things happen the way they will. After all, it may take a year to conceive with PCOS. But, starting now will give us enough time to have our first baby before my thirtieth birthday." Little did we know we would see my 30th birthday come and go in 2011 and still be childless. At the time, we had no clue that once beginning the medicine, we would absolutely expect to conceive and want it more and more with each month that passed. Our "let things happen when they will" idea flew like a rocket out the window by February!!

    From January 2010 through May 2010, I took Clomid for five consecutive days starting on the second or third day of my cycle. Then around day fourteen, I would go in for a vaginal ultrasound. This ultrasound would let the doctor know how many follicles were preparing to ovulate. They would draw blood on this visit, also, to check my progesterone and estrogen levels, which helped the staff narrow down to a day or two when they expected me to ovulate. They would tell me when Chad and I should have intercourse and we followed their instructions. Then, usually the evening of that appointment or the day after, they would tell me the exact time to take my HcG shot (this hormone helped the egg to release from the follicle - ovulation). Then, around day thirty, I would buy pregnancy tests from the store and hope for the plus sign! 

    We did this process over and over again for five straight months with no results. In June of 2010, Chad and I left for Hawaii to get away from medical school, from fertility treatments, from Oklahoma! We were instructed to have intercourse on our vacation, as I would be ovulating later that week. But, the day  or two after we got home from our trip, I underwent a new procedure called Intrauterine Insemination (IUI). The procedure felt no different than a pap smear, except for the fact that I had to have a full bladder during the procedure (which stirred a fear inside me that it was a possible reality that I could actually pee on another person. God forbid!!) The full bladder helped to push the uterus out so the ultrasound could better display the position of the catheter that would release the sperm into my uterus. Before the sperm was placed in my uterus, it went through a process called, "washing." The procedure removes any dead sperm cells, the semen, all slow or immobile sperm and leaves only the strong and fast-swimming. And, since they are released inside my uterus and are given the luxury of bypassing the cervix, how could anyone NOT get pregnant this way??!!! Right?! Well, I didn't.
    Back-up a few weeks . . . Earlier in May, my doctor did a couple things to rule out other infertility issues. 1.) I went through a procedure call an hysterosalpingogram (HSG) test. Again, in the position they require to do a pap smear, they placed a large metal box over my lower abdomen and it hovered there, not touching me, just hanging over me, blocking my view from the doctor who was in a huge metal suit to protect him from the radiation of the x-ray machine. Then, the doctor injected a dye into my uterus and he then rapidly took several x-ray images of my uterus and fallopian tubes. This test was done to rule out any obstruction or clogs in my fallopian tubes. And, although I was warned that this test was "uncomfortable" for some women, the pain I felt once the dye was shot into my uterus was excruciating, but only for an instant. The way in which the pain so quickly arrived, consumed my body, then was gone was almost too much to handle. I would hate to think what it would have been like had I not taken the nurse's advice and swallowed a couple ibuprofen thirty minutes before the procedure. The scariest part was at the end when it was over and I sat up. Red liquid began gushing out my me. Thinking it was blood, I began to freak out . . . I guess the look on my face let the nurse know that moment was the perfect time to let me know the liquid was not blood - just the dye - the dye was red! For some reason, I thought it was going to be blue. Couldn't they have let me know this small detail before I almost passed out from fright? The good news was, my tubes were normally shaped, unclogged and my uterus nor my tubes showed any sign of scarring or endometriosis. I love getting good news, even if I did have red liquid running down my legs and was told to wear a sanitary napkin the size of my arm for an hour after the procedure! Yes, I waddled out of the hospital that day. 2.) The second test the doctor used to rule out other complications was the sperm count/quality/analysis test. In a nutshell, Chad's troops are strong, healthy, and in good quantity. No problem there. So, since I had been responding well to the Clomid and had ovulated every month since January - sometimes two or three eggs at a time - we were bound to be pregnant very soon.
    But, as I mentioned earlier, after our return from Hawaii and the IUI had not succeeded in June, we decided it was time for us to take a vacation from fertility treatments. There was a possibility that I would continue to ovulate and have regular cycles for a month or two, but this wasn't guaranteed as every woman responds differently to Clomid and its after-effects. We proceeded into July with carefree spirits - abandoning the stress and worry of trying for a baby. And, it proved fruitful. We conceived!

Timing is Everything

"Timing is everything," is a saying that I have heard and said many times throughout my life. It usually rolls off my tongue with a sarcastic tone because at the exact time I try to back out of my parking space at Target, there are undoubtedly three other cars trying to back out at the very same time, so we each have to wait to see who will be brave enough to go first without the other three backing into them. "Timing is everything! Arrggghh!"

But, in the world of infertility, timing really is everything and means everything for the success you hope for. At the exact moment a woman's egg is released from her ovary and begins its journey down the fallopian tube, sperm cells must be present and ready to fertilize that egg at that perfect moment. If the sperm arrive an instant too early or a split-second too late the egg will die without being fertilized. Timing is everything - one of the first things that has to happen perfectly in order for a baby to be born.

Then, there is the timing of that perfect song that plays on the radio. It seems to have been written just for you and speaks directly to what you are feeling or going through at that very moment. Some may think it to be coincidental, but I think moments like this are messages sent from the One that loves us and is with us. For, I have experienced too many moments like this to pass them off as mere coincidence. During many moments of sadness and not being able to wrap my head around why Chad and I are going through the struggles we are experiencing, one song always seems to play on the radio. It's called, "Blessings," by Laura Story. The chorus goes like this:

'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops

What if Your healing comes through tears

What if the thousand sleepless nights is what it takes to know You're near

What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

The song reminds me, every time I hear it, that sometimes what is best for us is not what we are wanting or think we need at the time. Sometimes, blessings are granted to us in the absence of what we want. The lyrics of this song have brought me comfort many times and helped to cleanse my heart of feelings of loneliness, despair, and questioning. Its message reached me in the perfect moment - timing is everything.

Another example of this happened this week. I was able to sleep in a bit and when I woke, I turned on the TV. I haven't had any time of late to watch much TV, so I was excited to turn it on and veg out! The first show that appeared on the screen was the Rachael Ray show. I have never been a fan of her show as I find her to be a bit annoying, but for some reason on this morning, I didn't hunt for the remote to change the channel. Celine Dion was Rachael's guest and I caught the tail-end of the interview. Right before they went to commercial, Rachael told me to "stay tuned" because they were going to surprise another guest with a visit from Celine and talk about how Celine Dion had inspired this person's life. What a cliff-hanger! I had to see what they were talking about.

When the show returned from commercial, they showed a video of their visit with a woman, about my age, at her home. She talked about how her and her husband had struggled to conceive. Throughout their journey, she found solace and inspiration from Celine Dion's music. (I couldn't really relate to her on this issue, but was totally hearing her on the infertility stuff.) She talked about how she was encouraged by Celine's struggle and perseverance through her bout with infertility. She said, "Celine never gave up when trying for a baby and I never gave up either." As soon as she shared that she was pregnant with triplets, I started crying! I know, I know, . . . I cry a lot! Then, back in the studio, Celine Dion came out from behind the curtain and surprised this lovely pregnant-with-triplets lady and they embraced - and, yes, they cried, too! Timing is everything and I'm glad that I happened to turn on the TV at that particular time, so I could be witness to a story of perseverance that I could directly relate to. As I sat there, I felt that I was being reminded to not give up and keep trying.

There is one more topic on timing that is a bit different from the others I have mentioned here. And, I hesitate to talk about this one as it is a bit off-the-wall . . . So, here it goes. In thinking about our baby and why he/she hasn't yet come to exist, I often think about the timing of certain life events and how our baby will be effected by said events. For example, maybe we haven't conceived yet because our baby will need to be a particular age when he/she runs for president of the United States - maybe the world is not yet quite prepared for the wisdom and leadership of our baby in about 30 to 40 years! Or, maybe, our baby is waiting to arrive because their soulmate/future husband/future wife has yet to be conceived because his/her parents have not yet met . . . Timing is everything, you know! Or, perhaps, our baby is waiting for the moment when we least expect to become pregnant and will pounce on the opportunity to surprise us! So, this is how my mind works and attempts to understand this often answer-absent experience. Weird, I know!

To sum up, the timing of certain events in my life has proven to be nothing short of magic and blessing. These moments help to sustain and push me forward. Someday, the timing will be perfectly and miraculously orchestrated and our baby will be soft, pink, and warm in our arms. There is some real truth to the saying, "timing is everything" and I can't hardly wait for that moment when we shall meet our baby. May the timing in your life be nothing short of miraculous!

Things I've Learned On Our Journey

Each day on this journey has enlightened me and taught me a lesson that has changed my outlook on our struggle and my life. These are some of the things I have been able to recall in this moment:

1.) Infertility is more prevalent than I had known.

2.) Different doctors/specialists have different ideas on fertility and the treatments they practice on their patients. Good luck choosing the one that will happen to work for you.

3.) Doctors/specialists have more of a limited knowledge base and fewer treatment options for PCOS than I had hoped for.

4.) PCOS (poly-cystic ovarian syndrome) affects more women than I ever imagined.

5.) PCOS is one of the leading causes of infertility.

6.) The majority of people have no idea what PCOS is and how it effects those that have it.

7.) People inadvertently say things about infertility that hurt more than help.

8.) It's more than ever increasingly difficult to understand the following:

a.) women that don't want a baby get pregnant "accidently"

b.) women who sell their bodies for drugs, money, etc. get pregnant

c.) women who are in prison and give birth in prison

d.) girls that get pregnant at the ages of 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, etc.

(I have often contemplated becoming a crack addict that walks the streets in order to conceive - that seems to be the secret! j/k)

9.) I've learned hope is enduring, unwavering, and persevering.

10.) It is possible to begin crying at the sight of a baby or small child - not only because they are so cute or adorable, but because the very sight causes your heart to ache for what it desires and for what it may never have.

11.) Our plans and timing are not that of God's and His are supreme. Case and point, I always said I would at least have my first child while in my twenties. Too late for that now . . .

12.) More people love, pray, and hope with Chad and me than I had known before this journey began.

13.) I have been blessed with more than most people on this planet could ever dream. Of course, I have always known this, but this journey has amplified this truth and these blessings will never again go unnoticed, unappreciated, or un-treasured.

14.) The sheer, gloriously miraculous blessing it is for us, mere mortals, to conceive, carry a growing, developing child in the womb, give birth to that child, and then have the blessing of watching that child grow and learn about our world.

15.) There REALLY are one million and one things that have to happen PERFECTLY for a baby to be born. It's a wonder that any of us are here! Truly! Proof that each of us have a special purpose.

16.) There are no guarantees or certainties in life - ever!

17.) I want a baby more than I really ever realized.

18.) My husband wants a baby more than I really ever realized.

19.) I will be alright and the world will continue to turn if I shall never carry or deliver our baby.

20.) Each day that passes is one closer to the day we shall meet our baby. And, that is something to hope for and be thankful for!

September

You are probably wondering why I haven't been posting a whole lot lately about infertility . . . well, other than the fact that this past week was gloriously stuffed full of parties, birthdays, work, and a spontaneous visit from a world-traveling friend, I have attempted to push thoughts and worries about our infertility struggles far from my mind - need I say, "attempted."

  After reading the words, 'Not Pregnant,' on a pee stick in the last lingering days of August, I lost all control. I sobbed and bawled uncontrollably for most of the day and it felt good to rid my body of all the churning emotion that I could no longer rein in. I cried in the shower and while I watched the morning news. I cried and cared not for the snot streaming onto my pillow while in a fetal position on my side of the bed until Bella, our calico cat, jumped up and joined me . . . purring me to get happy. I cried when I told my mom I had yet another negative test. I cried when I told Chad I couldn't do this anymore - subjecting us to disappointment and heartbreak month after month. He said he wasn't ready to give up yet. And, deep in my heart I also knew I wasn't quite ready to give up. It was just so easy to imagine us without this burden. 

  It is more than difficult to put into words the feelings and emotions that surge through my body each month after a negative test. Some have asked why I cry like I do over a negative pregnancy test. Not only is it disappointing, sad, and painful for my own reasons: the missed opportunity to conceive, the absence of pregnancy, the harsh reality that, again, our efforts did not succeed. These, and many other feelings I cannot pin down at the moment are matched, if not exceeded, by the very same feelings that Chad is experiencing. And, the fact that neither one of us can do any better or change the circumstance - the fact that we are helpless in the routine of our struggle is the most heartbreaking part. We are doing anything, everything, and even more than what is expected of us to conceive.

  That evening, after I could no longer cry, we went to the dollar theatre and enjoyed a funny, often raunchy, movie that relieved our sadness for the last couple hours of the day. I awoke the next morning with a renewed hope. Then, I waited and, yes, hoped that the test was wrong and my period wouldn't come. (That darn hope just wouldn't go away!) My cycle arrived a couple days later. And, then, I waited yet again to give myself a few days to re-evaluate where we were in our progress, where I really was in my outlook on our journey (aside from my passionate emotions that were begging me to surrender a few days before), and where Chad was and what he needed and felt about where we were on this journey. After talking with Chad, thinking about it, pondering all these things in quiet moments each day, I called the doctor's office on the fifth day of my cycle - the day every month I usually call to request more medication and start the process all over again. But, this time, I informed the nurse that I would be taking the month of September off from any treatments. I tried my very best to not break down when I told her I was so sick and tired of the disappointment, but I'm sure my quivering voice gave me away. She told me she was sorry about the negative test and that she understood why I wanted to take some time off . . . she agreed that it was probably a good idea after she assured me our chances of conceiving wouldn't be effected by taking a month off. (On a side note: The support and encouragement I have received from the doctors, nurses, and medical staff at the clinic has been lavishly and lovingly poured over Chad and me - for that I will be always grateful.)

  After I hung up the phone, I experienced a few moments of doubting my decision - feeling like I was giving up and allowing the pain to claim a victory over our hopes and dreams. But, another voice, deeper still in my heart granted peace with my decision and I made a conscious decision to put the disappointment, the defeat, the struggle, the pain - I put it all away and looked forward to my favorite month of the year. And, September, has once again met my expectations for fun, celebration, cooler weather, and a wonderful introduction to the holiday season. I have enjoyed my vacation from the needles, the hot flashes the medicine brings, the midnight sweats the medicine causes, the daily changes in my body that make me wonder if there is something special going on inside my body.

  So, in a few days, I will call the clinic and request more medication so we can start all over again because that thing with feathers remains perched in my soul.

  Coming up soon, I will elaborate on the treatments we have been trying in the last couple years and what our options are after this month is up.

Birthday Weekend Photo Montage

So, I admit that taking pictures is not on my list of talents and abilities. Please bear with me . . . I am trying and have a desire to improve my photography skills. I am confident, the quality and creative perspective in the pictures I take will improve - hopefully.

Let's begin - this is my birthday weekend:

On Saturday, I was expecting cool, breezy weather, but it turned out to be quite warm and humid. I invited my parents to join Chad and me since they hadn't been to the zoo in over a decade! We had a good time and enjoyed seeing the animals. I took pictures of my favorite animals we saw that day: The Grizzly bear, the Great Horned Owl, the Mountain Lion, a Monarch butterfly, and last, but certainly not least - the baby elephant, Malee! (I always enjoy seeing the chimps, but failed to get a good picture of them.)

On Sunday, we celebrated all the September birthdays in Chad's family - five total! Chad's aunt baked a yummy cake and his uncle had an OU Sooner cake. Then, it was off to my parent's for our weekly dinner. My brothers joined us for dinner, cake, and playing with their new puppy, Rex. He is a Westie. My brothers and I grew up with a Westie, named Heidi, so we were all real excited to welcome another Westie to our family. He has proven to be a fun addition with his adorable, fluffy 3 lb self paired with his spunky attitude!

On Monday, my friend, Annaleise, her sweet little girl, Isabella, and I went to lunch at Nikelette's. It was yummy and Isabella kept us smiling with her jabbering and curiosity. That evening, Chad and I drove down to Norman and decided to walk around OU's campus before we ate dinner. We visited the Spoonholder on the North oval where he proposed six years ago. We snuck around in "the stacks" in the library where we used to study. We visited the Gaylord College of Journalism, from which I graduated. We walked and talked and felt like the old people on campus . . . we missed those days of going to class, staying up all night, walking around campus everyday. I missed the friends I made during college and savored the many memories I made on almost every inch of that campus. I couldn't look anywhere without seeing myself seven to eight years ago with friends stopping to chat between classes, alone under a tree writing, weaving my purple bike through the crowds of students walking to class. It was a great chapter in my life and I learned a lot about myself - how to be independent, what kind of person I wanted to be, how to open up to others, how to accept others and their differences. I could talk all day about my college experience and the impact it had on my life, but maybe I'll save that story for a novel. Who knows?!

After our stroll, we walked into the delicious aromas at Victoria's Pasta Shop on campus corner. We sat at a small table in a corner of the restaurant and ordered their mushroom caps, which were beyond yummy! Then, my old faithful, favorite - whole wheat pasta with marinara sauce. I think Chad got the lasagna rolls, which he said were good. We finished it off with a piece of caramel fudge cheesecake, which was amazing! My birthday couldn't have finished any better! My favorite man with me at my favorite restaurant!

Please forgive the formatting of the photos. They are a bit out of order and I couldn't figure out how to move them around once they were uploaded . . . I had a few technical difficulties! My picture blogging abilities can only improve, right? The next post with pictures should be better. :)

The Big, Fat 30!

Here I am beginning the weekend that is my 30th birthday weekend (my birthday is Monday)! It's really strange realizing that I will be thirty years old in a couple days. I remember high school like it was yesterday. I feel like college happened last week! I remember seeing my baby brother for the first time at the hospital the day he was born 25 years ago. I remember when my mom was thirty - I was nine! I have been blessed with so many wonderful experiences in my life that I will always cherish. Life is good and I have faith it will continue to get even better!

Chad went and got donuts this morning and that's always a good start to a great weekend. We plan to enjoy this refreshing fall weather by taking a trip to the zoo this afternoon and walking our big dog this evening. I plan on seeing family, eating lots of cake and enjoying this few days of being off work from my part time job that feels like a full time job! But, perhaps my favorite day will be Monday, my birthday, when I'll have lunch with a friend and then go to Norman that evening to eat at my most favorite restaurant, Victoria's Pasta Shop. After a delicious meal, Chad and I will walk around OU's campus in the moonlight and reminisce and talk about the old days when we were younger - we may even visit the site where Chad asked me to marry him on September 16, 2005.

Please stay tuned and visit again as I will have a birthday post early next week with lots of pictures to document this weekend. I will also resume posting on our journey to meeting our baby.

I wish you all a splendid weekend!

The Diagnosis

It was a sunny winter morning in December 2001. I was in my sophomore year of college and living with my parents (which I am grateful I was at my parents when this happened) and preparing to move into my apartment in Norman in January.

That morning, my parents had left the house to finish up some Christmas shopping and I was left warm in my bed with my 15 year old brother in the next room. Upon waking, I went into the kitchen to snag a doughnut for breakfast and on my way back to my room to shower, a sudden, stabbing pain seemed to pierce the right side of my body. In response to the pain, my body immediately crumpled and I walked like a hunchback back to my bed. The pain, then, seemed to spread throughout the front and back side of my abdomen. Not knowing what to do, I screamed for my brother, who entered my room startled by my screaming.

"Something is wrong. I need to go the hospital!" I told him. He just stood there with wide eyes. "I can't drive yet. What should I do? Call an ambulance?"

"No, call Nana and Papa. She has a cellphone and we can get a hold of them even if they aren't home." I seemed to wimper and moan through out my speaking and the pain remained - pushing, throbbing. It didn't let up and I thought that I may die right here in front of my little brother.

He left the room to call our grandparents. I figured I should at least put on a bra and some suitable clothes to visit the ER. So, I learned very quickly trying to dress while hunched over in pain can prove to be quite difficult.

While Kyle called our grandparents, (our parents were unreachable when away from home because back in 2001, cellphones weren't as prevalent and my parents were those people that would rather give their college-going daughter and son (my other brother) a cellphone before they got their own) I got dressed and crawled back into my bed, trying not to be too hysterical because I didn't want to scare my brother any more than he already was.

When my Nana and Papa finally arrived, they helped me to their car and we were off to the ER. On the way, we came to a traffic stop - there was a parade! Of all days, really, a parade?! That didn't stop my Nana from getting out of the car, approaching the policeman that was holding back the traffic, and explaining to him that we had to get to the ER before her granddaughter's abdomen exploded! She returned to the car, out of breath, and said, "He's letting us through!"

"Oh Geez!" I thought to myself. They are going to halt the parade just so we can drive through it on our way to the ER. Had I not been in pain, I would have been mortified that the parade had to stop because of me and my assertive grandmother that ran from our car and back to speak with a policeman. I mean, everyone could see me in the backseat wincing and clenching my right side. Just to be safe, I slipped further down in my seat as my Papa weaved and squeaked his tires around and through the crowd that was just moments before watching the parade. And, yes, he actually drove through the parade!! How embarrassing!

We finally arrived at the hospital and waited for about twenty minutes before they called my name. Somehow my Nana was able to locate my parents and they arrived as I entered the triage room with a nurse that had a kind face. My mom joined me apologizing and near tears because she wasn't with me until now. "It's okay, Mom," I told her. My mom does not handle injury or pain well - especially when her children are the ones in pain or injured. She would usually refer us to Daddy if he were home, because she had a tendency to faint.

"So, what is wrong? What hurts?" the nurse asked me and held up a chart that had the numbers listed 1 through 10 with a drawing of a face with each number that was supposed to depict the pain one was feeling. "Please tell me the degree of your pain on this scale from 1 to 10."

I looked at the chart and said, well, I can't really remember what number I gave her because this was almost ten years ago and my memory isn't what it used to be. But, I'm pretty sure it was in the neighborhood of 8 or 9. At this point, my mom had a couple tears running down her face. "I didn't know it was that bad!" she said.

The nurse asked me a lot more questions about my menstrual cycle. I answered the questions as best I could, but my cycles were so irregular and almost non-existent, plus the pain in my side was tearing through my body. Annoyed, I informed her that the information about my cycle didn't matter because it was my appendix that was causing the pain. I was going to go into shock if they didn't get my appendix out - and fast! She didn't comment on my appendix.

The next thing I remember is lying in a hospital bed and a nurse putting an IV in my right arm, realizing there was air in the needle, pulling it out and nervously laughing, "I just realized there was air in the needle, so I will have to start again. I could have stopped your heart." (Okay, this is the point at which I most likely acquired my horrific, anxiety-laden phobia of needles. I will post about this phobia in an upcoming post as needles play a very important role in most fertility treatments. Boo!)

"What?!!" I thought to myself and looked over at my parents who were watching wide-eyed. "Please don't kill me!"

After that, I really don't remember a whole lot because I was on Demerol to soothe the pain, which it didn't really do. It just didn't allow me to care about the pain even though I could still feel it. I felt so sleepy I couldn't keep my eyes open for very long or speak more than a couple words at a time. I could, however, hear and understand every word that was uttered by anyone in the room. I lied there and listened to my parents talk about me in fear of the unknowing, cry because they couldn't help me. They talked about me as if I were dead and not being able to listen to it anymore, I rolled my head over to look at them, used all my strength to open my eyes and said, "I can hear everything you are saying. I am fine, just sleepy!" I remember how they startled and just stared at me - shocked that I was alive and speaking. If I weren't totally stoned, I would have laughed at them.

I remember the sting of the catheter they shoved up my urethra AND when they pulled it out. I remember the dull painful pressure from the ultrasound wand as they pushed it into and rolled it around on my abdomen. I remember the vials of blood they took from my arm and felt the eyes of lots of nurses, and a couple of doctors, as they looked at my private parts and felt around them and, yes, in them. And, I just lied there like a dead person, helpless and often trying to think about being somewhere else, trying desperately to ignore what was happening to me.

After several hours, a nurse entered the room and removed my IV. "It's time to wake up. The doctor is going to come in and talk to you and your parents."

I opened my eyes and nodded my head. Thank goodness! I was almost able to go home, I thought.

He walked in - a tall, black doctor with a wide, bright smile. "I'm Dr. Brown. Are you feeling better?"

Actually, I hadn't taken notice of my pain, but I was feeling better as the Demerol exited my system and the pain, too, had subsided. "Yes, I am feeling better. I don't have any pain."

"Good," he said. "Are you ready to talk about what happened?"

"Yes, I said, as I attempted to fix my eyes on him without them shutting - still a bit woozy from the Demerol.

My parents moved to the edge of their seats and Dr. Brown began. "The pain you were experiencing was due to the rupturing of two ovarian cysts that were on your right ovary. The fluid they released spread throughout the right side of your abdomen and caused discomfort. Some women have claimed this pain is worse than giving birth."

My only thought at this moment was - he was comparing it to child birth, yet called the pain "discomfort?" Obviously, he hadn't experienced either one - ovarian cysts rupturing or childbirth!

He continued, "Based on your irregular, often absent, menstrual cycle, I am going to recommend that you start taking this and continue the dosage until you are ready to have kids someday." He brought his hands out of his doctor's coat to reveal what looked like a red makeup compact. He handed it to me.

I opened it and inside, organized in a circle, were, 30 small round pills. "Birth control?" I asked. "But, I'm a virgin. I'm not sexually active."

"This will only help your body regulate the hormones necessary for a regular period each month."

"So, what's wrong with me and my hormones? My gynecologist told me I just didn't have enough body fat to have a regular period. (Yes, I was a 128 lb. string bean at this particular time in my life. Trust me, putting on a few pounds of body fat never helped me in having a regular period!)"

At this point, I can only remember him talking about PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome) and even though I didn't have the usual symptoms of the syndrome, PCOS most accurately described what has happening in my body.

Immediately, my next question was, "Will I be able to have babies?" This concern was very close to my heart, even though I had no marriage prospect in sight nor any plans of becoming a mom in the near future. But, I had known from the time I was a child that I wanted to be a mom and the thought of not being able to have a baby of my own was terrifying!

"If everything remains the same, I expect you should be able to have children, but you may encounter difficulty getting pregnant since your cycles are so irregular. I can't even confirm that you are even ovulating with your cycles. It may be just break through bleeding."

The conversation ended soon after that and he scheduled an appointment to see me in a month so he could check out my ovaries again to make sure everything was looking alright.

I was released from the hospital and my parents drove me home after making a quick stop at Braum's for a burger and chocolate milkshake to-go. The day ended much more peacefully than it had begun, but I would have never imagined that almost ten years later I would be happily married and unable to conceive.

That day will forever remain in my mind because it was the day that my irregular cycles went from "not-a worry" to an actual diagnosis of a syndrome that has proven throughout the years to cause infertility in its victims. Within that last couple years, the consequences of that diagnosis have become a stark reality in my life, threatening my dreams of carrying Chad's and my baby - my dreams of becoming a mommy.

Just to get started . . .

I have sat down to begin this blog many times. And, with each month that passed, I hoped that I would be pregnant and the entire purpose of the blog would change from hoping, praying, and often begging God for a baby to a celebration and, hopefully, inspirational, success story of a fertility-challenged couple to an expectant couple. But, as you will soon read, my hopes for the latter have not yet been fulfilled and my procrastination in beginning this blog has only proved to help stock pile information and ideas for upcoming entries - which has to be a good thing, right? So, get ready for learning more details about my life than you ever wanted to know.

I will write more about my husband and our "love story" in upcoming entries, but to start you off with a bit of background information, I will serve you our life in a nutshell. Here it goes: Chad and I have been married for five years. We live in a small, red brick house that is older than my daddy. We have two cats: Baxter and Bella (which you will hear a lot about, too!) and a very large Golden Retriever named Thatcher. He is a gentle giant. Chad and I enjoy live music, traveling, trips to the zoo, good food, watching movies, and reading. Our separate interests composes a much longer list, so I will spare you for now. I am currently working a new part time job and watching a sweet 14 month old boy on days I am off from my job. Chad is in his third year of medical school, which often dictates our day-to-day schedule and social lives. (You will also read a lot about being a wife of a medical school student since it is a huge part of our lives right now.) Medical school definitely has its ups and downs, but Chad has done very well and I am very proud of him. Both of us can hardly wait, however, for his graduation in 2013! Hooray!

Now to get to the nitty-gritty of this blog . . . Chad and I decided to start trying for a baby toward the end of 2009. We knew conceiving may prove to be a challenge because of a diagnosis I received eight years earlier, which I will share in an upcoming post. Because I had not taken birth control since we married, and we never experienced a "spontaneous" pregnancy, we decided to see a specialist in January 2010. So, that's where our journey to meeting our baby really began in my mind.

This journey has proved to be the most difficult thing I have experienced in my life. At times, I have felt more lonely than I have ever felt before, but it has also opened me up to relationships with people that have experienced some type of infertility or pregnancy loss. Their stories and encouragement have been a lifeline when so often I couldn't see the light at the end of the tunnel. I have also read stories and blogs online that helped to inspire my blog.

Infertility has claimed many hearts on this planet - more than I ever imagined! And, I learned very early in this process that the person sitting in the cubicle next to you at work could very well be going through the same thing you are going through. (I happened to befriend this described person!) But, almost no one talks about their struggles and pains with infertility - for obvious reasons. So, I hope this blog serves to be an outlet, not only for my rantings and stories, but for those of you that have been where I am right now. I pray you find inspiration, hope, and a few giggles when reading this blog - whether you've struggled with infertility or not. All are welcome! The more people hear about infertility and learn about it, the more we, as a community, will know how to encourage, support, and listen to those struggling. I also pray with more awareness, the scientists and medical community will decide to devote some time and funding to finding a cure for some of the culprits that cause infertility. No one should have to struggle to conceive - it is, after all, one of the most primal functions of being a creature on this planet.

So, I will close this post with an explanation on the title of my blog. Believe me, I brainstormed and had an entire sheet of paper full of potential titles. But, with a little help from my friend, some editing from Chad, both paired with one of the lessons this journey has taught me, I decided on 'Enduring Hope: Our Journey to Meeting Our Baby.' 'Enduring Hope' means two different things to me at different times in this process of trying to conceive. 1.) Hope is enduring and keeps Chad and me going, pushing toward our dream of being parents. 2.) On the flip side, sometimes it feels as though we are literally suffering under and enduring the very same hope. Every time our dreams are shaken with a negative pregnancy test, it is our hope that seems to bring the most pain. But, hope has remained and sustained us on this journey and will, too, accompany us when one day we greet our baby. Our hopes, then, will be for our little one's joy, health, and spirit in life.

Many people have spoken of hope, but perhaps, one of my favorite references is the poem by Emily Dickinson. I will leave you with her poem and pray that you, too, will find it perched in your heart, sustaining your dreams and helping you through each day - as it has done for me and Chad through our journey to meeting our baby.

HOPE

HOPE is the thing with feathers

That perches in the soul

And sings the tune without the words,

And never stops at all,

And sweetest in the gale is heard;

And sore must be the storm

That could abash the little bird

That kept so many warm.

I've heard it in the chillest land,

And on the strangest sea;

Yet, never, in extremity,

It asked a crumb of me.