This month, our baby would have been about six months old. There isn't a day that has passed since I miscarried, that I have not thought about our baby and the life that might have been. Sometimes I cry because it stills hurts, but most of the time, I attempt to understand and find peace with what happened.
Even though I was only pregnant for a couple weeks and was only aware that I was pregnant for about four days, it was no less a miracle for Chad and me than if I had carried full term. The fact that we conceived - and without help or fertility treatments, no less - proved to us that having a baby of our own was a real possibility for us. Now, that was something to celebrate and to hope for!
A few months after the miscarriage, Chad and I were talking about our short pregnancy/miscarriage experience and what we had learned and taken away from it. He said that he thought it was His way of telling us that it is possible, but the time wasn't right - to hang on and keep trying. I have remembered that. And, even though this process has not been easy and often takes my emotions on a roller coaster, our experiences each day, fertility related or not, create who we are and give us a choice, everyday, on how we are going to think about those experiences and use them in our lives - for better or worse.
Everyday, I choose, and do my best, to use our experience for good and praise the One that gave us that blessing - even if it was only for a moment. I am more aware of the blessing that is life and that each day we are given is special and should be enjoyed and cherished. We are not promised tomorrow, yet we are promised love, peace, and hope through the One that loves us and is with us. That is something to live for and share with everyone.
To this day, our experience, even though it was painful, has brought more hope to my life than I ever had before and that hope will carry me forward to the day when we shall meet our baby. And, I have hope that one day a long time from now, we will meet the baby we lost and it will be a day of great joy!
Friday, October 28, 2011
Thursday, October 27, 2011
If Only For A Moment
On Monday, August 16, 2010, we sat silently, like stone statues, in our assigned seats at the Civic Center Music Hall. The music seemed to be playing in the background while we sat staring straight ahead through the dense smoke-filled air. We were lost in our own separate thoughts. I had gone mad and was trying desperately not to jump up and run screaming from the building while tearing my clothes and gnashing my teeth. Every few moments, tears would drain from my eyes, uninvited, and every minute I would fight to keep more from falling - trying with all my might to keep from looking next to me at my husband, fearing just the sight of him would soften my spirit just enough to usher me into hysterics.
My heart was breaking into little pieces - never to be reassembled as it had been before. I was forever changed and my soul was screaming out to God in anger, pain, confusion, and disappointment - pleading for an answer to why this was happening after everything we had endured the previous six months. I needed the peace that passes all understanding to invade my body and drench my spirit, but it would not come so soon.
How was I to know a month earlier, that the tickets I was purchasing would be our admission to a concert scheduled on the same day we found out the baby that was growing inside me had died? And, a few days from this moment, I would miscarry and excrete the flesh of the baby that we would never meet in this life.
I had always wanted to see Norah Jones live in concert since a lot of her early hits held sentimental meaning in our relationship. But, the news I received earlier that day latched a gray cloud to my heart and the only thing I could do was try to keep from crying.
My doctor called me that afternoon, when I was at work, and informed me that he had received the test results from the blood draw I had done that morning. He apologized and said that I was no longer pregnant and my hormone levels proved that the baby had died and I would start my period within the week. He went in to why he thought this had happened and so on, but I was too busy crying, so hysterically that I wasn't breathing. I didn't hear anything he was saying and he didn't even know I was crying until he asked if I was alright. I whimpered a "yea." He apologized again and asked that I call the clinic on the day I started bleeding. Immediately, I emailed my supervisor and told him what had happened and that I couldn't stay at work another minute. I was about to shut down my computer when he replied and said he was sorry and that he would see me in the morning.
I ran from the building in tears and drove home crying and yelling as loud as my lungs would sustain me. God surely could hear me. And, as I had mentioned in the earlier post, Timing Is Everything, the song "Blessings" began to play on the radio. The lyrics immediately calmed my spirit and eased my pain.
I called Chad as soon as I got home and told him what happened and that I needed him to come home. He arrived twenty minutes later and he asked about the details and what the doctor said. I was a sloppy, swollen mess and he sat in silence with no outward emotion. We discussed whether or not to go to the concert. After much deliberation, we decided to go with the possibility that it may distract us from this horrible news. After we sat on the couch in silence, then crying, then silence and over again, for almost an hour, we decided to get changed and head out to grab a quick dinner before we went to the concert.
We stopped at McDonald's, which we never even think to eat there, but for some reason, it seemed to fit our mood. After I griped out the manager about the fountain drink machine pouring out more carbonated water than Coke syrup, we sat down and I cried over my chicken McNuggets while muttering to myself how things never turn out the way the should and asking why nothing can go right for me - not even a decent fountain drink at McDonald's! Poor guy - it wasn't his fault my baby had died, but he certainly heard my anger that evening.
Once we finished eating, we headed to the Civic Center Music Hall and found our seats. Looking back on that night, it was as if we were ghosts among the living. I have never felt that way in my whole life before that moment, but the closest I can come to describing it was that I felt totally numb and my thoughts were dwelling on things that were far away from our location.
Unfortunately, there are only a few things I remember about the concert. I remember the way Norah looked and how I was a bit disappointed that she had chopped off her hair. I recall thinking how talented she was and how much I liked her music, which she played with exceptional passion and ease. I cannot remember which songs they were, but there were several she performed that directly spoke to me that night and caused more tears to fall than I had prepared for. I also remember giving in and looking next to me, at my husband, who sat so still for so long, I had wondered if he was still there. He was, and I could see his face reflecting the blue lights from the stage and seeing the glistening pool of tears that had gathered at the base of his eyes - trying with the same might I was attempting to muster in order to keep those tears from winning. Afterall, we were in public, surrounded by people whistling, singing-along with the music, and clapping. We just didn't fit in - we were lost.
My heart was breaking into little pieces - never to be reassembled as it had been before. I was forever changed and my soul was screaming out to God in anger, pain, confusion, and disappointment - pleading for an answer to why this was happening after everything we had endured the previous six months. I needed the peace that passes all understanding to invade my body and drench my spirit, but it would not come so soon.
How was I to know a month earlier, that the tickets I was purchasing would be our admission to a concert scheduled on the same day we found out the baby that was growing inside me had died? And, a few days from this moment, I would miscarry and excrete the flesh of the baby that we would never meet in this life.
I had always wanted to see Norah Jones live in concert since a lot of her early hits held sentimental meaning in our relationship. But, the news I received earlier that day latched a gray cloud to my heart and the only thing I could do was try to keep from crying.
My doctor called me that afternoon, when I was at work, and informed me that he had received the test results from the blood draw I had done that morning. He apologized and said that I was no longer pregnant and my hormone levels proved that the baby had died and I would start my period within the week. He went in to why he thought this had happened and so on, but I was too busy crying, so hysterically that I wasn't breathing. I didn't hear anything he was saying and he didn't even know I was crying until he asked if I was alright. I whimpered a "yea." He apologized again and asked that I call the clinic on the day I started bleeding. Immediately, I emailed my supervisor and told him what had happened and that I couldn't stay at work another minute. I was about to shut down my computer when he replied and said he was sorry and that he would see me in the morning.
I ran from the building in tears and drove home crying and yelling as loud as my lungs would sustain me. God surely could hear me. And, as I had mentioned in the earlier post, Timing Is Everything, the song "Blessings" began to play on the radio. The lyrics immediately calmed my spirit and eased my pain.
I called Chad as soon as I got home and told him what happened and that I needed him to come home. He arrived twenty minutes later and he asked about the details and what the doctor said. I was a sloppy, swollen mess and he sat in silence with no outward emotion. We discussed whether or not to go to the concert. After much deliberation, we decided to go with the possibility that it may distract us from this horrible news. After we sat on the couch in silence, then crying, then silence and over again, for almost an hour, we decided to get changed and head out to grab a quick dinner before we went to the concert.
We stopped at McDonald's, which we never even think to eat there, but for some reason, it seemed to fit our mood. After I griped out the manager about the fountain drink machine pouring out more carbonated water than Coke syrup, we sat down and I cried over my chicken McNuggets while muttering to myself how things never turn out the way the should and asking why nothing can go right for me - not even a decent fountain drink at McDonald's! Poor guy - it wasn't his fault my baby had died, but he certainly heard my anger that evening.
Once we finished eating, we headed to the Civic Center Music Hall and found our seats. Looking back on that night, it was as if we were ghosts among the living. I have never felt that way in my whole life before that moment, but the closest I can come to describing it was that I felt totally numb and my thoughts were dwelling on things that were far away from our location.
Unfortunately, there are only a few things I remember about the concert. I remember the way Norah looked and how I was a bit disappointed that she had chopped off her hair. I recall thinking how talented she was and how much I liked her music, which she played with exceptional passion and ease. I cannot remember which songs they were, but there were several she performed that directly spoke to me that night and caused more tears to fall than I had prepared for. I also remember giving in and looking next to me, at my husband, who sat so still for so long, I had wondered if he was still there. He was, and I could see his face reflecting the blue lights from the stage and seeing the glistening pool of tears that had gathered at the base of his eyes - trying with the same might I was attempting to muster in order to keep those tears from winning. Afterall, we were in public, surrounded by people whistling, singing-along with the music, and clapping. We just didn't fit in - we were lost.
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
We Were On A Break
So, it's been several weeks since my last post. The hussle and bussle of life has got the best of me lately. In order to get everyone caught up, the last post was about our experiences in 2010 and the treatments I underwent. On July 22, 2010, I started my cycle and grieved yet another unsuccessful treatment. We decided to take a break from treatment and try to unwind and de-stress. That should catch everyone up to the following post that I am basically going to copy from the journal I started when we received our good news. My plan was to document every experience from the positive test to the birth and beyond . . . .
Thursday, August 12, 2010
Day 33 of menstrual cycle - I drove home from work for lunch hour as I usually did everyday. I talked Chad into going to Target with me to pick up a couple things. My friend's baby shower was coming up, so I purchased a few boardbooks about belly buttons, a hungry caterpillar, and love. We also purchased a few boxes of our favorite organic mac and cheese and a pregnancy test. There was a feeling inside me that started that Sunday before - a feeling that I just might be pregnant. I purposely waited several days to see if I would start my cycle, but when it never came, my excitement began to grow. Of course, I had not been on any medication or received any treatments since June, so it was also very possible that my body didn't ovulate and I wouldn't have a normal period. But, I bought the test anyway.
As soon as we got home, I took the test, closed the toilet lid, and sat there eating my lunch in anticipation. I only had ten more minutes before I had to report back to work. After what seemed like forever, the word, 'Pregnant' popped up on the digital screen and I almost choked on my food. I grabbed the test and the rest of my food and ran in to the living room, still chewing my last bite. Chad was sitting on the couch, eating his lunch and watching Friends. He looked at me with wide eyes as I ran and stood directly in front of him, waving the test. "No way," he said. And, I said, "Read it!" He sat up and put his food down as he looked at the test. A smirk crawled across his face and I started to cry. There were so many emotions surging through my body at this point that I began to lose my breath. After six months of treatment and negative pregnancy tests, it was very difficult for us to actually believe that we did this when we were on a break from treatment - without treatment - on our own. How amazing is that?!
Chad told me to call the clinic, so I did and they asked that I come in as soon as I could for a blood draw. I called my supervisor and told him that something had come up and I needed to stop by my doctor's office before returning to work. He said it was fine, and Chad and I were off to the clinic. I could barely contain myself. My heart was pounding out of my chest and I prayed the whole way there that the baby would be healthy and I would be a healthy and safe place for the little one to grow. I was so scared and felt an overwhelming amount of responsibility for the wee cluster of cells that was growing in my body - a baby. A baby was growing in my belly!
Once we arrived at the clinic, all the nurses greeted us with smiles and hugs. One of the nurses walked us to an exam room and drew a vial of blood. "I will sweet talk the lab so maybe they will give us your results today. I will call you either this afternoon or tomorrow morning." She also scheduled me to come back in on Monday morning before work so they could take another blood draw to check my levels to ensure everything was normal. I thanked the nurse and we left. Chad dropped me off at work and I could barely stay at my desk. I wanted to tell everyone I saw the great news. Around 4:00 pm that afternoon, the nurse called and said that I was, indeed, pregnant, but that my progesterone levels were a bit lower than they like to see. She said she would call in a prescription for Prometrium that I would need to start taking that night, twice a day, until they asked me to stop. I could not wait to tell Chad the great news and even though he asked that I tell him in person, I couldn't keep it in a minute longer. I called him and told him we were for sure pregnant, but that I needed to pick up a prescription for my progesterone levels. He was so excited and asked if he could call his family and tell them, but I had a better idea to break the surprising news!
After eating dinner at Chad's favorite sushi place (I had veggie sushi), we went by Wal-Mart and purchased some Baby Ruth candy bars and a few bags of Sugar Babies. Our plan was to make goody bags for our parents and see if they could catch the hint. If for some reason, they didn't get it, we purchased two baby bibs that said, "I love Grandma" for my mom and Carol, Chad's mom. Chad drove to my parent's house and I assembled the goody bags on the way. We couldn't wait to get there . . .
My mom is a school teacher and that day was her first day of class, so when we arrived, I gave her the goody bag and passed one to my dad. I told her it was a little treat to reward her for her first day of class, which was usually always tiring for her. They accepted their goody bags and looked inside. Chad and I just sat there, waiting for them to figure it out. My dad sat there with the Sugar Babies in one hand and the Baby Ruth in the other, looked at me and said, "Really? Is this what I think it is? Are you?" And, my mom said, "What are you talking about?" and looked over at Chad and me. I looked at her and said, "Yes! I am pregnant!" My dad shot out of his chair and started dancing and howling, laughing, and thanking God. My mom stood up in utter disbelief and asked it if was really true. "Yes," I said. "I'm pregnant!" and tears rolled down my cheeks as I reached to hug her. My brother sat across the room and cried. He said this was the best news he had heard in a very long time. Then, it was picture time . . . (Just a note: The snow globe you will see my mom holding in the picture is something she bought a couple years before. It has a baby angel in the globe and on the base of the globe, it says, "Wish." She said it was her lucky snow globe and every time she shook it up, she wished for a grandbaby. It seemed this little snow globe was no joke after all!)
After the photo shoot, we were off to Chad's parent's house. When we arrived, Chad's dad, Jerry, wasn't there yet, so we waited and chatted about the beginning of Chad's second year of medical school. As soon as Chad asked, "Where is Jerry?" He walked in the door and I pulled the goody bags out of my oversized purse. We distributed them - one to Jerry, one to Carol, one to Taylor (Chad's little sister) and waited for them to "solve the puzzle." They figured out the puzzle a lot faster than my parents did and Taylor started jumping up and down. Everyone hugged us and the phone calls started . . . . . the texts and the pictures. The news was spreading like wildfire. Jerry called Chad's brother, Nick, and asked him to stop by because Chad had something to tell him. After about ten minutes, Nick was there and pulled a card out of his pocket that said, "I'm going to be an uncle." "Is this right?" he asked Chad. "Yes, how did you know?" Chad said. "Well, I've never got a call from my dad before asking me to stop by because you had something to tell me. There was only one thing it could be."
A few minutes after the photos were taken, my parents knocked on the door. They had been waiting around the corner in their neighborhood until we broke the news to Chad's family. They joined in on the celebration and talk among the grandparents soon shifted to what they wanted the baby to call them - choices, choices!
One thing that stands out to Chad and me when we remember that day is how very deeply joyful everyone in our family was. This blessing was an answer to many prayers and the fact that we conceived when we "were on a break" from treatment was even more special to us. We had accomplished what we were told would probably never happen. All things are possible through Christ!
Keep in mind and to help you from being confused - this is my story from last year, during the late summer of 2010. :)
Thursday, August 12, 2010
Day 33 of menstrual cycle - I drove home from work for lunch hour as I usually did everyday. I talked Chad into going to Target with me to pick up a couple things. My friend's baby shower was coming up, so I purchased a few boardbooks about belly buttons, a hungry caterpillar, and love. We also purchased a few boxes of our favorite organic mac and cheese and a pregnancy test. There was a feeling inside me that started that Sunday before - a feeling that I just might be pregnant. I purposely waited several days to see if I would start my cycle, but when it never came, my excitement began to grow. Of course, I had not been on any medication or received any treatments since June, so it was also very possible that my body didn't ovulate and I wouldn't have a normal period. But, I bought the test anyway.
As soon as we got home, I took the test, closed the toilet lid, and sat there eating my lunch in anticipation. I only had ten more minutes before I had to report back to work. After what seemed like forever, the word, 'Pregnant' popped up on the digital screen and I almost choked on my food. I grabbed the test and the rest of my food and ran in to the living room, still chewing my last bite. Chad was sitting on the couch, eating his lunch and watching Friends. He looked at me with wide eyes as I ran and stood directly in front of him, waving the test. "No way," he said. And, I said, "Read it!" He sat up and put his food down as he looked at the test. A smirk crawled across his face and I started to cry. There were so many emotions surging through my body at this point that I began to lose my breath. After six months of treatment and negative pregnancy tests, it was very difficult for us to actually believe that we did this when we were on a break from treatment - without treatment - on our own. How amazing is that?!
Chad told me to call the clinic, so I did and they asked that I come in as soon as I could for a blood draw. I called my supervisor and told him that something had come up and I needed to stop by my doctor's office before returning to work. He said it was fine, and Chad and I were off to the clinic. I could barely contain myself. My heart was pounding out of my chest and I prayed the whole way there that the baby would be healthy and I would be a healthy and safe place for the little one to grow. I was so scared and felt an overwhelming amount of responsibility for the wee cluster of cells that was growing in my body - a baby. A baby was growing in my belly!
Once we arrived at the clinic, all the nurses greeted us with smiles and hugs. One of the nurses walked us to an exam room and drew a vial of blood. "I will sweet talk the lab so maybe they will give us your results today. I will call you either this afternoon or tomorrow morning." She also scheduled me to come back in on Monday morning before work so they could take another blood draw to check my levels to ensure everything was normal. I thanked the nurse and we left. Chad dropped me off at work and I could barely stay at my desk. I wanted to tell everyone I saw the great news. Around 4:00 pm that afternoon, the nurse called and said that I was, indeed, pregnant, but that my progesterone levels were a bit lower than they like to see. She said she would call in a prescription for Prometrium that I would need to start taking that night, twice a day, until they asked me to stop. I could not wait to tell Chad the great news and even though he asked that I tell him in person, I couldn't keep it in a minute longer. I called him and told him we were for sure pregnant, but that I needed to pick up a prescription for my progesterone levels. He was so excited and asked if he could call his family and tell them, but I had a better idea to break the surprising news!
After eating dinner at Chad's favorite sushi place (I had veggie sushi), we went by Wal-Mart and purchased some Baby Ruth candy bars and a few bags of Sugar Babies. Our plan was to make goody bags for our parents and see if they could catch the hint. If for some reason, they didn't get it, we purchased two baby bibs that said, "I love Grandma" for my mom and Carol, Chad's mom. Chad drove to my parent's house and I assembled the goody bags on the way. We couldn't wait to get there . . .
My mom is a school teacher and that day was her first day of class, so when we arrived, I gave her the goody bag and passed one to my dad. I told her it was a little treat to reward her for her first day of class, which was usually always tiring for her. They accepted their goody bags and looked inside. Chad and I just sat there, waiting for them to figure it out. My dad sat there with the Sugar Babies in one hand and the Baby Ruth in the other, looked at me and said, "Really? Is this what I think it is? Are you?" And, my mom said, "What are you talking about?" and looked over at Chad and me. I looked at her and said, "Yes! I am pregnant!" My dad shot out of his chair and started dancing and howling, laughing, and thanking God. My mom stood up in utter disbelief and asked it if was really true. "Yes," I said. "I'm pregnant!" and tears rolled down my cheeks as I reached to hug her. My brother sat across the room and cried. He said this was the best news he had heard in a very long time. Then, it was picture time . . . (Just a note: The snow globe you will see my mom holding in the picture is something she bought a couple years before. It has a baby angel in the globe and on the base of the globe, it says, "Wish." She said it was her lucky snow globe and every time she shook it up, she wished for a grandbaby. It seemed this little snow globe was no joke after all!)
After the photo shoot, we were off to Chad's parent's house. When we arrived, Chad's dad, Jerry, wasn't there yet, so we waited and chatted about the beginning of Chad's second year of medical school. As soon as Chad asked, "Where is Jerry?" He walked in the door and I pulled the goody bags out of my oversized purse. We distributed them - one to Jerry, one to Carol, one to Taylor (Chad's little sister) and waited for them to "solve the puzzle." They figured out the puzzle a lot faster than my parents did and Taylor started jumping up and down. Everyone hugged us and the phone calls started . . . . . the texts and the pictures. The news was spreading like wildfire. Jerry called Chad's brother, Nick, and asked him to stop by because Chad had something to tell him. After about ten minutes, Nick was there and pulled a card out of his pocket that said, "I'm going to be an uncle." "Is this right?" he asked Chad. "Yes, how did you know?" Chad said. "Well, I've never got a call from my dad before asking me to stop by because you had something to tell me. There was only one thing it could be."
A few minutes after the photos were taken, my parents knocked on the door. They had been waiting around the corner in their neighborhood until we broke the news to Chad's family. They joined in on the celebration and talk among the grandparents soon shifted to what they wanted the baby to call them - choices, choices!
One thing that stands out to Chad and me when we remember that day is how very deeply joyful everyone in our family was. This blessing was an answer to many prayers and the fact that we conceived when we "were on a break" from treatment was even more special to us. We had accomplished what we were told would probably never happen. All things are possible through Christ!
Keep in mind and to help you from being confused - this is my story from last year, during the late summer of 2010. :)
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
The Attempts of 2010
2010 was a big year for us in our efforts of trying to conceive. 2010 brought our first glimpses into the world of infertility and the experiences ranged from worry, fear, anticipation, stress, surprise, joy, and great mourning - then these feelings started all over again.
I had an initial consult and exam appointment with my doctor in August of 2009. He confirmed my PCOS diagnosis, but was encouraging and told me that he saw no reason why I wouldn't be able to conceive and carry a healthy baby full term. I believed him and trusted him immediately. A close friend of mine became pregnant with this doctor's help and she recommended that I begin our journey by seeing him. I was glad I took her advice! As I have mentioned before, the doctors and staff at that clinic have been wonderful - in all aspects. After my appointment that day, he told me that when I was ready to begin treatment, to call the clinic and we would get started. I wasn't quite ready to take that leap, so a few months passed.
Then, after a lot of discussion with Chad and thinking about "actively trying" for a baby, I called the clinic in January of 2010 and told the receptionist I was ready to begin treatment. That day was the beginning. Chad and I went into this chapter of our lives with the mindset of: "We'll just let things happen the way they will. After all, it may take a year to conceive with PCOS. But, starting now will give us enough time to have our first baby before my thirtieth birthday." Little did we know we would see my 30th birthday come and go in 2011 and still be childless. At the time, we had no clue that once beginning the medicine, we would absolutely expect to conceive and want it more and more with each month that passed. Our "let things happen when they will" idea flew like a rocket out the window by February!!
From January 2010 through May 2010, I took Clomid for five consecutive days starting on the second or third day of my cycle. Then around day fourteen, I would go in for a vaginal ultrasound. This ultrasound would let the doctor know how many follicles were preparing to ovulate. They would draw blood on this visit, also, to check my progesterone and estrogen levels, which helped the staff narrow down to a day or two when they expected me to ovulate. They would tell me when Chad and I should have intercourse and we followed their instructions. Then, usually the evening of that appointment or the day after, they would tell me the exact time to take my HcG shot (this hormone helped the egg to release from the follicle - ovulation). Then, around day thirty, I would buy pregnancy tests from the store and hope for the plus sign!
We did this process over and over again for five straight months with no results. In June of 2010, Chad and I left for Hawaii to get away from medical school, from fertility treatments, from Oklahoma! We were instructed to have intercourse on our vacation, as I would be ovulating later that week. But, the day or two after we got home from our trip, I underwent a new procedure called Intrauterine Insemination (IUI). The procedure felt no different than a pap smear, except for the fact that I had to have a full bladder during the procedure (which stirred a fear inside me that it was a possible reality that I could actually pee on another person. God forbid!!) The full bladder helped to push the uterus out so the ultrasound could better display the position of the catheter that would release the sperm into my uterus. Before the sperm was placed in my uterus, it went through a process called, "washing." The procedure removes any dead sperm cells, the semen, all slow or immobile sperm and leaves only the strong and fast-swimming. And, since they are released inside my uterus and are given the luxury of bypassing the cervix, how could anyone NOT get pregnant this way??!!! Right?! Well, I didn't.
Back-up a few weeks . . . Earlier in May, my doctor did a couple things to rule out other infertility issues. 1.) I went through a procedure call an hysterosalpingogram (HSG) test. Again, in the position they require to do a pap smear, they placed a large metal box over my lower abdomen and it hovered there, not touching me, just hanging over me, blocking my view from the doctor who was in a huge metal suit to protect him from the radiation of the x-ray machine. Then, the doctor injected a dye into my uterus and he then rapidly took several x-ray images of my uterus and fallopian tubes. This test was done to rule out any obstruction or clogs in my fallopian tubes. And, although I was warned that this test was "uncomfortable" for some women, the pain I felt once the dye was shot into my uterus was excruciating, but only for an instant. The way in which the pain so quickly arrived, consumed my body, then was gone was almost too much to handle. I would hate to think what it would have been like had I not taken the nurse's advice and swallowed a couple ibuprofen thirty minutes before the procedure. The scariest part was at the end when it was over and I sat up. Red liquid began gushing out my me. Thinking it was blood, I began to freak out . . . I guess the look on my face let the nurse know that moment was the perfect time to let me know the liquid was not blood - just the dye - the dye was red! For some reason, I thought it was going to be blue. Couldn't they have let me know this small detail before I almost passed out from fright? The good news was, my tubes were normally shaped, unclogged and my uterus nor my tubes showed any sign of scarring or endometriosis. I love getting good news, even if I did have red liquid running down my legs and was told to wear a sanitary napkin the size of my arm for an hour after the procedure! Yes, I waddled out of the hospital that day. 2.) The second test the doctor used to rule out other complications was the sperm count/quality/analysis test. In a nutshell, Chad's troops are strong, healthy, and in good quantity. No problem there. So, since I had been responding well to the Clomid and had ovulated every month since January - sometimes two or three eggs at a time - we were bound to be pregnant very soon.
But, as I mentioned earlier, after our return from Hawaii and the IUI had not succeeded in June, we decided it was time for us to take a vacation from fertility treatments. There was a possibility that I would continue to ovulate and have regular cycles for a month or two, but this wasn't guaranteed as every woman responds differently to Clomid and its after-effects. We proceeded into July with carefree spirits - abandoning the stress and worry of trying for a baby. And, it proved fruitful. We conceived!
Back-up a few weeks . . . Earlier in May, my doctor did a couple things to rule out other infertility issues. 1.) I went through a procedure call an hysterosalpingogram (HSG) test. Again, in the position they require to do a pap smear, they placed a large metal box over my lower abdomen and it hovered there, not touching me, just hanging over me, blocking my view from the doctor who was in a huge metal suit to protect him from the radiation of the x-ray machine. Then, the doctor injected a dye into my uterus and he then rapidly took several x-ray images of my uterus and fallopian tubes. This test was done to rule out any obstruction or clogs in my fallopian tubes. And, although I was warned that this test was "uncomfortable" for some women, the pain I felt once the dye was shot into my uterus was excruciating, but only for an instant. The way in which the pain so quickly arrived, consumed my body, then was gone was almost too much to handle. I would hate to think what it would have been like had I not taken the nurse's advice and swallowed a couple ibuprofen thirty minutes before the procedure. The scariest part was at the end when it was over and I sat up. Red liquid began gushing out my me. Thinking it was blood, I began to freak out . . . I guess the look on my face let the nurse know that moment was the perfect time to let me know the liquid was not blood - just the dye - the dye was red! For some reason, I thought it was going to be blue. Couldn't they have let me know this small detail before I almost passed out from fright? The good news was, my tubes were normally shaped, unclogged and my uterus nor my tubes showed any sign of scarring or endometriosis. I love getting good news, even if I did have red liquid running down my legs and was told to wear a sanitary napkin the size of my arm for an hour after the procedure! Yes, I waddled out of the hospital that day. 2.) The second test the doctor used to rule out other complications was the sperm count/quality/analysis test. In a nutshell, Chad's troops are strong, healthy, and in good quantity. No problem there. So, since I had been responding well to the Clomid and had ovulated every month since January - sometimes two or three eggs at a time - we were bound to be pregnant very soon.
But, as I mentioned earlier, after our return from Hawaii and the IUI had not succeeded in June, we decided it was time for us to take a vacation from fertility treatments. There was a possibility that I would continue to ovulate and have regular cycles for a month or two, but this wasn't guaranteed as every woman responds differently to Clomid and its after-effects. We proceeded into July with carefree spirits - abandoning the stress and worry of trying for a baby. And, it proved fruitful. We conceived!
Saturday, October 1, 2011
Timing is Everything
"Timing is everything," is a saying that I have heard and said many times throughout my life. It usually rolls off my tongue with a sarcastic tone because at the exact time I try to back out of my parking space at Target, there are undoubtedly three other cars trying to back out at the very same time, so we each have to wait to see who will be brave enough to go first without the other three backing into them. "Timing is everything! Arrggghh!"
But, in the world of infertility, timing really is everything and means everything for the success you hope for. At the exact moment a woman's egg is released from her ovary and begins its journey down the fallopian tube, sperm cells must be present and ready to fertilize that egg at that perfect moment. If the sperm arrive an instant too early or a split-second too late the egg will die without being fertilized. Timing is everything - one of the first things that has to happen perfectly in order for a baby to be born.
Then, there is the timing of that perfect song that plays on the radio. It seems to have been written just for you and speaks directly to what you are feeling or going through at that very moment. Some may think it to be coincidental, but I think moments like this are messages sent from the One that loves us and is with us. For, I have experienced too many moments like this to pass them off as mere coincidence. During many moments of sadness and not being able to wrap my head around why Chad and I are going through the struggles we are experiencing, one song always seems to play on the radio. It's called, "Blessings," by Laura Story. The chorus goes like this:
'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if the thousand sleepless nights is what it takes to know You're near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise
The song reminds me, every time I hear it, that sometimes what is best for us is not what we are wanting or think we need at the time. Sometimes, blessings are granted to us in the absence of what we want. The lyrics of this song have brought me comfort many times and helped to cleanse my heart of feelings of loneliness, despair, and questioning. Its message reached me in the perfect moment - timing is everything.
Another example of this happened this week. I was able to sleep in a bit and when I woke, I turned on the TV. I haven't had any time of late to watch much TV, so I was excited to turn it on and veg out! The first show that appeared on the screen was the Rachael Ray show. I have never been a fan of her show as I find her to be a bit annoying, but for some reason on this morning, I didn't hunt for the remote to change the channel. Celine Dion was Rachael's guest and I caught the tail-end of the interview. Right before they went to commercial, Rachael told me to "stay tuned" because they were going to surprise another guest with a visit from Celine and talk about how Celine Dion had inspired this person's life. What a cliff-hanger! I had to see what they were talking about.
When the show returned from commercial, they showed a video of their visit with a woman, about my age, at her home. She talked about how her and her husband had struggled to conceive. Throughout their journey, she found solace and inspiration from Celine Dion's music. (I couldn't really relate to her on this issue, but was totally hearing her on the infertility stuff.) She talked about how she was encouraged by Celine's struggle and perseverance through her bout with infertility. She said, "Celine never gave up when trying for a baby and I never gave up either." As soon as she shared that she was pregnant with triplets, I started crying! I know, I know, . . . I cry a lot! Then, back in the studio, Celine Dion came out from behind the curtain and surprised this lovely pregnant-with-triplets lady and they embraced - and, yes, they cried, too! Timing is everything and I'm glad that I happened to turn on the TV at that particular time, so I could be witness to a story of perseverance that I could directly relate to. As I sat there, I felt that I was being reminded to not give up and keep trying.
There is one more topic on timing that is a bit different from the others I have mentioned here. And, I hesitate to talk about this one as it is a bit off-the-wall . . . So, here it goes. In thinking about our baby and why he/she hasn't yet come to exist, I often think about the timing of certain life events and how our baby will be effected by said events. For example, maybe we haven't conceived yet because our baby will need to be a particular age when he/she runs for president of the United States - maybe the world is not yet quite prepared for the wisdom and leadership of our baby in about 30 to 40 years! Or, maybe, our baby is waiting to arrive because their soulmate/future husband/future wife has yet to be conceived because his/her parents have not yet met . . . Timing is everything, you know! Or, perhaps, our baby is waiting for the moment when we least expect to become pregnant and will pounce on the opportunity to surprise us! So, this is how my mind works and attempts to understand this often answer-absent experience. Weird, I know!
To sum up, the timing of certain events in my life has proven to be nothing short of magic and blessing. These moments help to sustain and push me forward. Someday, the timing will be perfectly and miraculously orchestrated and our baby will be soft, pink, and warm in our arms. There is some real truth to the saying, "timing is everything" and I can't hardly wait for that moment when we shall meet our baby. May the timing in your life be nothing short of miraculous!
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