September

You are probably wondering why I haven't been posting a whole lot lately about infertility . . . well, other than the fact that this past week was gloriously stuffed full of parties, birthdays, work, and a spontaneous visit from a world-traveling friend, I have attempted to push thoughts and worries about our infertility struggles far from my mind - need I say, "attempted."

  After reading the words, 'Not Pregnant,' on a pee stick in the last lingering days of August, I lost all control. I sobbed and bawled uncontrollably for most of the day and it felt good to rid my body of all the churning emotion that I could no longer rein in. I cried in the shower and while I watched the morning news. I cried and cared not for the snot streaming onto my pillow while in a fetal position on my side of the bed until Bella, our calico cat, jumped up and joined me . . . purring me to get happy. I cried when I told my mom I had yet another negative test. I cried when I told Chad I couldn't do this anymore - subjecting us to disappointment and heartbreak month after month. He said he wasn't ready to give up yet. And, deep in my heart I also knew I wasn't quite ready to give up. It was just so easy to imagine us without this burden. 

  It is more than difficult to put into words the feelings and emotions that surge through my body each month after a negative test. Some have asked why I cry like I do over a negative pregnancy test. Not only is it disappointing, sad, and painful for my own reasons: the missed opportunity to conceive, the absence of pregnancy, the harsh reality that, again, our efforts did not succeed. These, and many other feelings I cannot pin down at the moment are matched, if not exceeded, by the very same feelings that Chad is experiencing. And, the fact that neither one of us can do any better or change the circumstance - the fact that we are helpless in the routine of our struggle is the most heartbreaking part. We are doing anything, everything, and even more than what is expected of us to conceive.

  That evening, after I could no longer cry, we went to the dollar theatre and enjoyed a funny, often raunchy, movie that relieved our sadness for the last couple hours of the day. I awoke the next morning with a renewed hope. Then, I waited and, yes, hoped that the test was wrong and my period wouldn't come. (That darn hope just wouldn't go away!) My cycle arrived a couple days later. And, then, I waited yet again to give myself a few days to re-evaluate where we were in our progress, where I really was in my outlook on our journey (aside from my passionate emotions that were begging me to surrender a few days before), and where Chad was and what he needed and felt about where we were on this journey. After talking with Chad, thinking about it, pondering all these things in quiet moments each day, I called the doctor's office on the fifth day of my cycle - the day every month I usually call to request more medication and start the process all over again. But, this time, I informed the nurse that I would be taking the month of September off from any treatments. I tried my very best to not break down when I told her I was so sick and tired of the disappointment, but I'm sure my quivering voice gave me away. She told me she was sorry about the negative test and that she understood why I wanted to take some time off . . . she agreed that it was probably a good idea after she assured me our chances of conceiving wouldn't be effected by taking a month off. (On a side note: The support and encouragement I have received from the doctors, nurses, and medical staff at the clinic has been lavishly and lovingly poured over Chad and me - for that I will be always grateful.)

  After I hung up the phone, I experienced a few moments of doubting my decision - feeling like I was giving up and allowing the pain to claim a victory over our hopes and dreams. But, another voice, deeper still in my heart granted peace with my decision and I made a conscious decision to put the disappointment, the defeat, the struggle, the pain - I put it all away and looked forward to my favorite month of the year. And, September, has once again met my expectations for fun, celebration, cooler weather, and a wonderful introduction to the holiday season. I have enjoyed my vacation from the needles, the hot flashes the medicine brings, the midnight sweats the medicine causes, the daily changes in my body that make me wonder if there is something special going on inside my body.

  So, in a few days, I will call the clinic and request more medication so we can start all over again because that thing with feathers remains perched in my soul.

  Coming up soon, I will elaborate on the treatments we have been trying in the last couple years and what our options are after this month is up.